Real DOS User's Guide
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Real DOS User's Guide ver. 1.01 by Burnin' of UNKNOWN Prez April 3rd, 2001 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Introduction -=-=-=-=-=-=-=- DOS - old, primitive, basically forgotten. People are using powerful multitasking operating systems like WindBlows (yeah, right) and Linux, some younger computer fans don't even know what DOS is. But that doesn't mean a thing, at least until there still exist some REAL DOS USERS. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Real DOS users -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- - IRL - Real DOS users are older than 15 years Real DOS users are plain looking Corollary: if they wouldn't look plain then they would be in something ultra-radical like neon-green or naked Real DOS users can speak in at least 2 different languages Real DOS users like T-Shirts Corollary: they don't have many Real DOS users like coats Corollary: if they had the cuts they'd look like Nicholas Cage as Castor Troy when he and his brother entered the plane in the beginning of "Face/Off" Corollary to the above: a real DOS user has seen "Face/Off" Real DOS users usually get hungry at that time when other people go to sleep Corollary: by the time real DOS users get sleepy common people are getting up Real DOS users, if let, sleep at least 11 hours Real DOS users, if let, don't get up before 12 o'clock Real DOS users can eat A LOT, but they can also live at least 3 days without any food without a problem Real DOS users drink at least 2,3 liters of liquid every day Real DOS users drink Coca Cola Corollary: they notice the different taste of Pepsi Corollary 2: The Coca Cola Company is the only corporation that a real DOS user supports Real DOS users know that coffeen+sugar is the basis of true human life Real DOS users don't watch sports Corollary: they know that sports is for making and not watching Real DOS users are amazingly healthy when considered that they try to keep the amount of physical movements minimal Real DOS users realize that capitalism is evil Corollary: they also realize that the so called democracy which governments say they follow is a mask to hide capitalism Corollary to the above: a real DOS user knows that the cyber-age has come and so considers himself to be a basic cyberpunk Corollary to the above: he knows enough about cyberpunk to realize that the above lines aren't out of context Real DOS users are cypherpunks Corollary: they have the latest version of PGPi for DOS Corollary to the above: they know where to get it Corollary 2: if real DOS users wouldn't be so lazy they would re-build their place like Mel Gibson had it in "Conspiracy Theory" Corollary to the above: they have seen that movie Corollary 3: the handwriting of a real DOS user is hashed and then scrambled Corollary to the above: he knows what hashing means Corollary to corollary 3: he has enough brains to encrypt the text on-the-fly in his head Corollary to the above: his brain has also built-in wipe-after-successful- encryption function Corollary to the above: a real DOS user knows also what wiping is Corollary 2 to the text 3 lines above: that also explains why people sometimes wonder "what the hell did this guy do in school" - OS - Real DOS users' computer boots to DOS by default (in case he has other OS' on the HD) Corollary: no matter if there's some other OS on the harddrive or not, the computer of a real DOS user is equipped with a boot manager Corollary to the above: a real DOS user knows what a boot manager is Real DOS users know that the grooviest DOS ever is PhysTechSoft's PTS-DOS 2000 Corollary: they spent the 5 minutes to find the byte which to patch to get rid of the 1 minute delay by booting Real DOS users consider only Linux without X-Windows as a possible alternative to DOS Real DOS users aren't RealDOS users Real DOS users have thought about writing their own version of DOS - HARDWARE - Real DOS users have at least three computers Corollary: at least two of them are turned in all the time Corollary to the above: a real DOS user knows how to make the electricity counter of their apartment stop Real DOS users have at least a 286 Corollary: a real DOS user would never, ever, use a machine which has a 68xxx processor Real DOS users have a modem of at least 2400bps Corollary: they wish they'd have a better modem Real DOS users have a slow CD-ROM Corollary: it's some exotic drive which doesn't work with universal drivers Corollary 2: real DOS users have most of their stuff on CDs Corollary 3: they use a CD cache Corollary to the above: they have enough upper memory to stuff another cache into it Real DOS users have a mouse but only because some weak programs need it Corollary: real DOS users use jTSR so they can hide the annoying mouse cursor when it's not currently needed Corollary to the above: a real DOS user is too lazy to load and unload the mouse driver just because of one or two programs Real DOS users have seen a 8" floppy Real DOS users have at least one 5,25" disk drive and seven 5,25" floppies Real DOS users have at least 10 CDs Corollary: a real DOS user has written at least half of his CDs himself Real DOS users can quite well live with a HD of 40MB Corollary: they have at least 50 diskettes Real DOS users have a COVOX Corollary: they didn't build it themselves Real DOS users have set the booting sequence to C: A: Corollary: a real DOS user is aware of bootsector viruses Corollary 2: a real DOS user would never, ever, use a BIOS where you can't set the booting sequence Real DOS users messed a whole day with BIOS setting to get a higher index from AT Performance Corollary: a real DOS user is a maximalist Real DOS users don't think that it's impossible to work with a 286/10MHz with 1MB memory and MDA monitor Corollary: they used one themselves and still have it Corollary of the above: the eyes of a real DOS user ain't the best anymore - SOFTWARE - Real DOS users know that the best user interface is the 'commander' which was started by Norton Commander Corollary: real DOS users know that although NC 1.0 was a ground breaking program it's a real disappointment Corollary to the above: a real DOS user knows where to get NC 1.0 Real DOS users tend to use NCEdit for all kind of editing Real DOS users who have a decent machine use ACE for archiving Real DOS users who don't have a decent machine use RAR for archiving Corollary: if someone uses ZIP or ARJ for regular archiving then he definitely ain't a real DOS user Real DOS users know that the only REAL expanded memory manager out there is QEMM Real DOS users know that Norton Cache is the best disk cache there is Real DOS users find COMBI-Disk pretty interesting but don't use it Real DOS users know that Norton Speed Disk is the best disk defragmenter there is Corollary: they have the whole Norton Utils for DOS, 7.0 or above or at least know where to get it Real DOS users have some fast boot program loaded Corollary: real DOS users aren't happy when the boot takes 30 seconds Corollary to the above: they jump from joy if it takes only 26 seconds Corollary to the above: it would take 20 seconds but soon after a real DOS user installs that fast booter he finds a couple new programs which simply have to be include in his AUTOEXEC.BAT Real DOS users use TurboCopy Real DOS users know that SHSUCDX is the best CDX program there is Corollary: they noticed the lacks of CD-Link and MSCDEX Corollary to the above: if a real DOS user would use CLOAKING he perhaps would even use the modified version of MSCDEX Corollary to the above: real DOS users know which program provides CLOAKING Real DOS users have at least 15 TSRs loaded Corollary: they'd load more if they'd have more UMBs - WIN - Real DOS users think that Wincloset and Mac users are wimps Real DOS users know that almost anything that can be done under WinS*** can be done under DOS Real DOS users don't have Win on their HD, only the installation package on some CD Real DOS users own Winblows only because Soft-ICE, TR2000 and EDump II run under it Corollary: a real DOS user is advanced enough to use those programs Real DOS users know that the only good thing about WinToad is the start up screen Corollary: they use Blackout package to get the same effect Real DOS users find that long file names are only useful for MP3 naming Corollary: if a real DOS user is forced to use Wishhh95+ then he saves all the files under names with at least 81 characters Corollary to the corollary: he likes to annoy people - PLAYING - Real DOS users play strategy games like WarCraft ][ Real DOS users have an off-line version of MUD Real DOS users occasionally, for example in a situation of absolute boredom, play fighting games like Street Fighter or Mortal Combat Real DOS users think that first-person-shoot-games like Wolfenstein 3D and it's followers (DOOM, Quake, Half-Life and others) are only good for filling the HD space Real DOS users aren't players, they play only once in a while Corollary: real DOS users think that people who do nothing but playing should be shot - PROGRAMMING - Real DOS users can program Real DOS users know assembly Real DOS users who programme in Borland/Turbo Pascal use version 3 or lower of the compiler because it supports COM format Real DOS users use DG and TR for debugging Corollary: they think that Turbo Debugger is for wussies Corollary 2: a real DOS user debugs code which crashes TD Corollary 3: he knows that those two debuggers complement each other Corollary to the above: a real DOS user knows which line in the CONFIG.SYS of most ORDINARY PC lUSERS prevents DG from loading Real DOS users know that the best hex editor is HIEW Corollary: real DOS users also know that all good hex editors are called *IEW Corollary to the above: they can name at least 2 programs which are named *IEW which means they know what the '*' stands for Corollary 2 to the corollary: they would never hack with something called HEXED or ZAP Real DOS users always have some project going Corollary: they don't get enough sleep Corollary to the above: if they do get enough sleep they never get anything done - VOLKOV COMMANDER - Real DOS users know that Volkov Commander is the coolest commander ever Corollary: they find DOS Navigator over-bloated Real DOS users use the 'quick execute commands' option of VC Real DOS users have a problem with the 511 bytes size limit of VC 4.x's .EXT files Real DOS users actually use the user menu of VC Real DOS users have mailed comments about VC to V. V. Volkov Corollary: they know his email-address Real DOS users have included most of their programs in the user menu Corollary: they still execute the program by typing it's name in the commandline - TV & CINEMA - Real DOS users take movie characters for role model Real DOS users have seen everything that's worth seeing Real DOS users watch shows like Simpsons, Beavis & Butt-head, South Park Futurama and Daria Corollary: as one can guess a real DOS user pukes on crap like Teletubbies Real DOS users like the sick humor of Beavis & Butt-head and Monty Python Real DOS users like comedies Real DOS users like horror and science fiction movies Real DOS users know who are the 3 great new age monsters of cinema Corollary: because of respect would a real DOS user never use the names Jason, Michael or Freddy as his alias, even if his real name is/resembles to one of them Real DOS users know that Neve Campbell is the coolest scream queen ever Corollary: they also know that Neve is the best female actor in this galaxy Real DOS users comments to others before most movies: "I've seen this one" Corollary: a real DOS user is considered by the surrounding people to be an expert in the subject of television/movies Real DOS users like to go to the cinema Corollary: they live near one Corollary to the above: they've subscribed to the mailing list of that cinema Real DOS users' TV is turned on most of the time Corollary: the TV of a real DOS user is plugged together with the computers so they all turn on together - MISC - Real DOS users love COM format Real DOS users like the real mode Corollary: a real DOS user most likely uses HiRAM, Last Byte MM or something similar instead of QEMM Corollary to the corollary: his PC doesn't have enough gadgets to run UMBPCI Real DOS users like to listen to MODs Corollary: real DOS users know what MODs are Real DOS users like to listen to MP3s Corollary: if a real DOS user owns a sound card then he uses DOSAMP Corollary to the above: if he doesn't have a sound card then he uses DSS Corollary to the above: a real DOS user can use every piece of software there is no matter what language it's in Corollary 2 to the text 3 lines above: a real DOS user can do practically everything he wants with the hardware he's using at that moment Real DOS users don't understand why someone produces an EXE if it's under 65kB Real DOS users have at least 15 different bootdisquettes Corollary: at least 12 of them are stored as disk-images on some unknown CD Real DOS users don't understand why some programs need EMS when there's XMS Real DOS users find sickening that almost every program nowadays uses a DOS extender Real DOS user have multiple configurations in their CONFIG.SYS Real DOS users' AUTOEXEC.BAT is at least 1,5kB Real DOS users don't like warez but use them because they don't have any money Corollary: real DOS users like GPL Corollary to the above: they rather not distribute their programs under it Real DOS users have setup their systems so that it has more passwords than some governmental security system Real DOS users have no problem filling 3 CDs only with DOS software Real DOS users have the source of MS-DOS 6.20 Real DOS users don't use backup programs Corollary: they like to live dangerously Corollary 2: they've had at least two HD crashes Real DOS users like textfiles Corollary: they think that the inventor of PDF is a nut case Real DOS users have read the whole Jargon File 4 Corollary: a real DOS user knows what the Jargon File is Corollary to the above: he would have used the opportunity to print the thing out on a laser-printer at his work if he'd just remember to do that Corollary to the above: real DOS users are almost lost if they don't make notes Real DOS users have at least 3 different versions of "The Anarchists Handbook" Corollary: they have also the version which some lunatic translated into their native language Real DOS users love ASCII art Real DOS users constantly monitor the 'Interesting DOS Programs', 'Freeware DOS Programs' and FreeDOS sites Real DOS users know that Bill Gates is the Anti-Christ Corollary: they'd rather use some other DOS than MS-DOS Corollary to the corollary: they still use MS-DOS because UMMs won't work with others Real DOS users aren't afraid of the DOS commandline Real DOS users know that computers are not meant for drawing, painting, picture editing or any other kind of messing with graphics Real DOS users know that the smallest program which won't hang has the size of 1 byte Real DOS users know about most of their 3000+ files what those are exactly good for Real DOS users have at least 600kB free conventional memory after loading everything Real DOS users appreciate programmers who write TSRs which occupy less than 3kB memory Real DOS users think that the 'loadhigh' command is the coolest thing since DOS 3.0 Real DOS users know that DOS will never die Real DOS users resemble in many aspects to J. Random Hacker Corollary: they know who that is -=-=-=-=-=-=- Conclusion -=-=-=-=-=-=- Real DOS users are nothing more than dedicated fans. And they're quite OK. At least until you don't say something like: "DOS is dead" or "Windows is the best OS there is"