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Real DOS User's Guide
ver. 1.01
by Burnin' of UNKNOWN Prez
April 3rd, 2001
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Introduction
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DOS - old, primitive, basically forgotten. People are using powerful
multitasking operating systems like WindBlows (yeah, right) and Linux,
some younger computer fans don't even know what DOS is. But that doesn't
mean a thing, at least until there still exist some REAL DOS USERS.
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Real DOS users
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- IRL -
Real DOS users are older than 15 years
Real DOS users are plain looking
Corollary: if they wouldn't look plain then they would be in something
ultra-radical like neon-green or naked
Real DOS users can speak in at least 2 different languages
Real DOS users like T-Shirts
Corollary: they don't have many
Real DOS users like coats
Corollary: if they had the cuts they'd look like Nicholas Cage as Castor Troy
when he and his brother entered the plane in the beginning of "Face/Off"
Corollary to the above: a real DOS user has seen "Face/Off"
Real DOS users usually get hungry at that time when other people go to sleep
Corollary: by the time real DOS users get sleepy common people are getting up
Real DOS users, if let, sleep at least 11 hours
Real DOS users, if let, don't get up before 12 o'clock
Real DOS users can eat A LOT, but they can also live at least 3 days without
any food without a problem
Real DOS users drink at least 2,3 liters of liquid every day
Real DOS users drink Coca Cola
Corollary: they notice the different taste of Pepsi
Corollary 2: The Coca Cola Company is the only corporation that a real DOS
user supports
Real DOS users know that coffeen+sugar is the basis of true human life
Real DOS users don't watch sports
Corollary: they know that sports is for making and not watching
Real DOS users are amazingly healthy when considered that they try to keep
the amount of physical movements minimal
Real DOS users realize that capitalism is evil
Corollary: they also realize that the so called democracy which governments
say they follow is a mask to hide capitalism
Corollary to the above: a real DOS user knows that the cyber-age has come and
so considers himself to be a basic cyberpunk
Corollary to the above: he knows enough about cyberpunk to realize that the
above lines aren't out of context
Real DOS users are cypherpunks
Corollary: they have the latest version of PGPi for DOS
Corollary to the above: they know where to get it
Corollary 2: if real DOS users wouldn't be so lazy they would re-build their
place like Mel Gibson had it in "Conspiracy Theory"
Corollary to the above: they have seen that movie
Corollary 3: the handwriting of a real DOS user is hashed and then scrambled
Corollary to the above: he knows what hashing means
Corollary to corollary 3: he has enough brains to encrypt the text
on-the-fly in his head
Corollary to the above: his brain has also built-in wipe-after-successful-
encryption function
Corollary to the above: a real DOS user knows also what wiping is
Corollary 2 to the text 3 lines above: that also explains why people sometimes
wonder "what the hell did this guy do in school"
- OS -
Real DOS users' computer boots to DOS by default (in case he has other OS' on
the HD)
Corollary: no matter if there's some other OS on the harddrive or not, the
computer of a real DOS user is equipped with a boot manager
Corollary to the above: a real DOS user knows what a boot manager is
Real DOS users know that the grooviest DOS ever is PhysTechSoft's PTS-DOS 2000
Corollary: they spent the 5 minutes to find the byte which to patch to get
rid of the 1 minute delay by booting
Real DOS users consider only Linux without X-Windows as a possible
alternative to DOS
Real DOS users aren't RealDOS users
Real DOS users have thought about writing their own version of DOS
- HARDWARE -
Real DOS users have at least three computers
Corollary: at least two of them are turned in all the time
Corollary to the above: a real DOS user knows how to make the electricity
counter of their apartment stop
Real DOS users have at least a 286
Corollary: a real DOS user would never, ever, use a machine which has a 68xxx
processor
Real DOS users have a modem of at least 2400bps
Corollary: they wish they'd have a better modem
Real DOS users have a slow CD-ROM
Corollary: it's some exotic drive which doesn't work with universal drivers
Corollary 2: real DOS users have most of their stuff on CDs
Corollary 3: they use a CD cache
Corollary to the above: they have enough upper memory to stuff another cache
into it
Real DOS users have a mouse but only because some weak programs need it
Corollary: real DOS users use jTSR so they can hide the annoying mouse
cursor when it's not currently needed
Corollary to the above: a real DOS user is too lazy to load and unload the
mouse driver just because of one or two programs
Real DOS users have seen a 8" floppy
Real DOS users have at least one 5,25" disk drive and seven 5,25" floppies
Real DOS users have at least 10 CDs
Corollary: a real DOS user has written at least half of his CDs himself
Real DOS users can quite well live with a HD of 40MB
Corollary: they have at least 50 diskettes
Real DOS users have a COVOX
Corollary: they didn't build it themselves
Real DOS users have set the booting sequence to C: A:
Corollary: a real DOS user is aware of bootsector viruses
Corollary 2: a real DOS user would never, ever, use a BIOS where you can't
set the booting sequence
Real DOS users messed a whole day with BIOS setting to get a higher index
from AT Performance
Corollary: a real DOS user is a maximalist
Real DOS users don't think that it's impossible to work with a 286/10MHz with
1MB memory and MDA monitor
Corollary: they used one themselves and still have it
Corollary of the above: the eyes of a real DOS user ain't the best anymore
- SOFTWARE -
Real DOS users know that the best user interface is the 'commander' which
was started by Norton Commander
Corollary: real DOS users know that although NC 1.0 was a ground breaking
program it's a real disappointment
Corollary to the above: a real DOS user knows where to get NC 1.0
Real DOS users tend to use NCEdit for all kind of editing
Real DOS users who have a decent machine use ACE for archiving
Real DOS users who don't have a decent machine use RAR for archiving
Corollary: if someone uses ZIP or ARJ for regular archiving then he
definitely ain't a real DOS user
Real DOS users know that the only REAL expanded memory manager out there is
QEMM
Real DOS users know that Norton Cache is the best disk cache there is
Real DOS users find COMBI-Disk pretty interesting but don't use it
Real DOS users know that Norton Speed Disk is the best disk defragmenter there
is
Corollary: they have the whole Norton Utils for DOS, 7.0 or above or at least
know where to get it
Real DOS users have some fast boot program loaded
Corollary: real DOS users aren't happy when the boot takes 30 seconds
Corollary to the above: they jump from joy if it takes only 26 seconds
Corollary to the above: it would take 20 seconds but soon after a real DOS
user installs that fast booter he finds a couple new programs which simply
have to be include in his AUTOEXEC.BAT
Real DOS users use TurboCopy
Real DOS users know that SHSUCDX is the best CDX program there is
Corollary: they noticed the lacks of CD-Link and MSCDEX
Corollary to the above: if a real DOS user would use CLOAKING he perhaps would
even use the modified version of MSCDEX
Corollary to the above: real DOS users know which program provides CLOAKING
Real DOS users have at least 15 TSRs loaded
Corollary: they'd load more if they'd have more UMBs
- WIN -
Real DOS users think that Wincloset and Mac users are wimps
Real DOS users know that almost anything that can be done under WinS*** can
be done under DOS
Real DOS users don't have Win on their HD, only the installation package on
some CD
Real DOS users own Winblows only because Soft-ICE, TR2000 and EDump II run
under it
Corollary: a real DOS user is advanced enough to use those programs
Real DOS users know that the only good thing about WinToad is the start up
screen
Corollary: they use Blackout package to get the same effect
Real DOS users find that long file names are only useful for MP3 naming
Corollary: if a real DOS user is forced to use Wishhh95+ then he saves all
the files under names with at least 81 characters
Corollary to the corollary: he likes to annoy people
- PLAYING -
Real DOS users play strategy games like WarCraft ][
Real DOS users have an off-line version of MUD
Real DOS users occasionally, for example in a situation of absolute boredom,
play fighting games like Street Fighter or Mortal Combat
Real DOS users think that first-person-shoot-games like Wolfenstein 3D and
it's followers (DOOM, Quake, Half-Life and others) are only good for
filling the HD space
Real DOS users aren't players, they play only once in a while
Corollary: real DOS users think that people who do nothing but playing should
be shot
- PROGRAMMING -
Real DOS users can program
Real DOS users know assembly
Real DOS users who programme in Borland/Turbo Pascal use version 3 or lower of
the compiler because it supports COM format
Real DOS users use DG and TR for debugging
Corollary: they think that Turbo Debugger is for wussies
Corollary 2: a real DOS user debugs code which crashes TD
Corollary 3: he knows that those two debuggers complement each other
Corollary to the above: a real DOS user knows which line in the CONFIG.SYS of
most ORDINARY PC lUSERS prevents DG from loading
Real DOS users know that the best hex editor is HIEW
Corollary: real DOS users also know that all good hex editors are called *IEW
Corollary to the above: they can name at least 2 programs which are named *IEW
which means they know what the '*' stands for
Corollary 2 to the corollary: they would never hack with something called
HEXED or ZAP
Real DOS users always have some project going
Corollary: they don't get enough sleep
Corollary to the above: if they do get enough sleep they never get anything
done
- VOLKOV COMMANDER -
Real DOS users know that Volkov Commander is the coolest commander ever
Corollary: they find DOS Navigator over-bloated
Real DOS users use the 'quick execute commands' option of VC
Real DOS users have a problem with the 511 bytes size limit of VC 4.x's .EXT
files
Real DOS users actually use the user menu of VC
Real DOS users have mailed comments about VC to V. V. Volkov
Corollary: they know his email-address
Real DOS users have included most of their programs in the user menu
Corollary: they still execute the program by typing it's name in the
commandline
- TV & CINEMA -
Real DOS users take movie characters for role model
Real DOS users have seen everything that's worth seeing
Real DOS users watch shows like Simpsons, Beavis & Butt-head, South Park
Futurama and Daria
Corollary: as one can guess a real DOS user pukes on crap like Teletubbies
Real DOS users like the sick humor of Beavis & Butt-head and Monty Python
Real DOS users like comedies
Real DOS users like horror and science fiction movies
Real DOS users know who are the 3 great new age monsters of cinema
Corollary: because of respect would a real DOS user never use the names Jason,
Michael or Freddy as his alias, even if his real name is/resembles to one
of them
Real DOS users know that Neve Campbell is the coolest scream queen ever
Corollary: they also know that Neve is the best female actor in this galaxy
Real DOS users comments to others before most movies: "I've seen this one"
Corollary: a real DOS user is considered by the surrounding people to be an
expert in the subject of television/movies
Real DOS users like to go to the cinema
Corollary: they live near one
Corollary to the above: they've subscribed to the mailing list of that cinema
Real DOS users' TV is turned on most of the time
Corollary: the TV of a real DOS user is plugged together with the computers
so they all turn on together
- MISC -
Real DOS users love COM format
Real DOS users like the real mode
Corollary: a real DOS user most likely uses HiRAM, Last Byte MM or something
similar instead of QEMM
Corollary to the corollary: his PC doesn't have enough gadgets to run UMBPCI
Real DOS users like to listen to MODs
Corollary: real DOS users know what MODs are
Real DOS users like to listen to MP3s
Corollary: if a real DOS user owns a sound card then he uses DOSAMP
Corollary to the above: if he doesn't have a sound card then he uses DSS
Corollary to the above: a real DOS user can use every piece of software there
is no matter what language it's in
Corollary 2 to the text 3 lines above: a real DOS user can do practically
everything he wants with the hardware he's using at that moment
Real DOS users don't understand why someone produces an EXE if it's under 65kB
Real DOS users have at least 15 different bootdisquettes
Corollary: at least 12 of them are stored as disk-images on some unknown CD
Real DOS users don't understand why some programs need EMS when there's XMS
Real DOS users find sickening that almost every program nowadays uses a DOS
extender
Real DOS user have multiple configurations in their CONFIG.SYS
Real DOS users' AUTOEXEC.BAT is at least 1,5kB
Real DOS users don't like warez but use them because they don't have any money
Corollary: real DOS users like GPL
Corollary to the above: they rather not distribute their programs under it
Real DOS users have setup their systems so that it has more passwords than
some governmental security system
Real DOS users have no problem filling 3 CDs only with DOS software
Real DOS users have the source of MS-DOS 6.20
Real DOS users don't use backup programs
Corollary: they like to live dangerously
Corollary 2: they've had at least two HD crashes
Real DOS users like textfiles
Corollary: they think that the inventor of PDF is a nut case
Real DOS users have read the whole Jargon File 4
Corollary: a real DOS user knows what the Jargon File is
Corollary to the above: he would have used the opportunity to print the thing
out on a laser-printer at his work if he'd just remember to do that
Corollary to the above: real DOS users are almost lost if they don't make
notes
Real DOS users have at least 3 different versions of "The Anarchists Handbook"
Corollary: they have also the version which some lunatic translated into their
native language
Real DOS users love ASCII art
Real DOS users constantly monitor the 'Interesting DOS Programs', 'Freeware
DOS Programs' and FreeDOS sites
Real DOS users know that Bill Gates is the Anti-Christ
Corollary: they'd rather use some other DOS than MS-DOS
Corollary to the corollary: they still use MS-DOS because UMMs won't work
with others
Real DOS users aren't afraid of the DOS commandline
Real DOS users know that computers are not meant for drawing, painting,
picture editing or any other kind of messing with graphics
Real DOS users know that the smallest program which won't hang has the size of
1 byte
Real DOS users know about most of their 3000+ files what those are exactly
good for
Real DOS users have at least 600kB free conventional memory after loading
everything
Real DOS users appreciate programmers who write TSRs which occupy less than
3kB memory
Real DOS users think that the 'loadhigh' command is the coolest thing since
DOS 3.0
Real DOS users know that DOS will never die
Real DOS users resemble in many aspects to J. Random Hacker
Corollary: they know who that is
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Conclusion
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Real DOS users are nothing more than dedicated fans. And they're quite OK.
At least until you don't say something like: "DOS is dead" or "Windows is the
best OS there is"